想找个好的育儿嫂？心理建设很重要 Want to find a good nanny? Psychological preparation is very important

家里有了一个小孩，会带来无数的快乐。

在小月龄日托市场几乎空白的美国，做全职妈妈还是继续上班？如果继续上班，孩子交给老人带还是请育儿嫂？请阿姨能放心吗？如果找了阿姨，该怎么和阿姨相处……这几乎成了新妈妈们必须考虑的一串天问。

如果想兼顾事业，又相对喜欢大小家独立的感觉不想跟老人生活在一起，那么，在纽约请一个靠谱的育儿嫂，就成了解决问题的唯一选择。我小的时候，父母都上班很忙，所以我从小是跟不同的住家月嫂长大的，有了小孩之后，因为要继续工作，我的选择也是请阿姨。所以本文就从个人经验上讲一点自己对请阿姨的心得，分享给大家。

Having a child brings countless joys.

In the US, where the market for daycare for young children is almost nonexistent, should you stay full-time or continue working? If you continue working, should you leave your child with an elderly parent or hire a nanny? Is hiring a nanny safe? If you hire a nanny, how should you get along with them? These are the questions every new mother must consider.

If you want to balance your career and want the independence of a family and don't want to live with elderly parents, hiring a reliable nanny in New York City is the only solution. When I was young, my parents were both busy working, so I grew up with different live-in nannies. After having children, I also chose to hire a nanny because I had to continue working. So, in this article, I'll share my personal experience with nannies.

心理建设很重要

我身边有很多妈妈，对请阿姨这件事，心态上其实是没有做好准备的。很多问题，自己还没纠结出结果，就盲目地请了阿姨。然后心里一直纠结，牛角尖越钻越深，导致在和阿姨相处中出现各种问题。所以，先调整好自己的心态非常重要。

这几种常见的心态是需要调整的：

请千万不要纠结于此。首先，“母亲”是个内涵丰富的职业，母亲的职责多了，母乳、做辅食、全天陪伴……这些都是母职，但给孩子更好的物质环境、认真努力的职业精神榜样，也是母职的一部分。我不支持做甩手掌柜型妈妈，但也必须劝解你——世界上并不存在完美妈妈，人生的每一个选择都有得有失。

辞职做全职妈妈很好，但需要牺牲事业；不辞职做班妈也很好，但对孩子的陪伴会相对少一些，也需要更多的心力去安排孩子的照料。这个选择的本身跟称职与否没有任何关系，只要你按照你的选择安排得当，你就是个称职的母亲。回想我小时候，父母陪伴我时我很高兴，但是父母不在的时候，我也觉得有一种放松感呢。所以，无需愧疚，请相信，孩子从两种生活方式中都可以找到乐趣。

Mental preparedness is crucial.

Many mothers around me are mentally unprepared for the prospect of hiring a nanny. Many of them blindly hire a nanny before they've even figured out the solution. This leads to persistent mental struggles, becoming increasingly overly concerned, and ultimately causing various problems in their relationships with the nanny. Therefore, it's crucial to first adjust your mindset.

These common mindsets need to be adjusted:

1. "I'm an incompetent mother because I'm hiring a nanny instead of being a full-time mother."

Don't dwell on this. First, motherhood is a complex profession. Breastfeeding, feeding, and being with your child all day are all part of motherhood, but providing your child with a better material environment and setting an example of hard work and dedication are also part of motherhood. I don't support the hands-off approach of mothering, but I must offer some advice: there's no such thing as a perfect mother, and every choice in life has its pros and cons.

Quitting your job to be a full-time mother is great, but it requires sacrificing your career. Staying in your job and becoming a part-time mom is also great, but you'll spend less time with your child and require more effort to care for them. This choice itself has nothing to do with whether you're a competent mother or not. As long as you manage your choices appropriately, you're a competent mother. Looking back on my childhood, I was happy when my parents were around, but I also felt a sense of relief when they weren't around. So, don't feel guilty; trust that children can find joy in both lifestyles.

2、“育儿嫂价格这么高，我上班挣的钱付了育儿嫂工资也剩不了多少，还不如全职。”

帐是不能这样算的。做全职妈妈自然很好，但若仅仅是为这个理由去做全职妈妈，那我认为还不够充分。因为事业对你来说，除了薪资，还有很多别的东西。我不想说什么虚头八脑的“社会地位”、“认同感”之类的。就单说职业发展吧，虽然家政行业的薪资是年年水涨船高，但是从职业发展上讲，家政阿姨的职业天花板远比你低得多。

虽然一时间你去上班挣来的工资有一大半进了阿姨口袋，觉得白忙活一场。但你也要考虑到：你的职业以后是否还要发展？是不是还会升职加薪？在事业的黄金年龄给你带来的业务积累是否会在以后发挥出更大的价值？孩子幼小只是一个阶段，而你因为眼前的薪资差离开职场几年，还能回得去吗？回去之后是否需要从头再来得不偿失？

在这个层面上评估清楚，才有助于你调整后用人的心态，才能做到不斤斤计较。

3、“坏阿姨到处都是，会虐待孩子/拐卖孩子/糊弄孩子，不可相信。”

杭州保姆纵火案这种事件固然令人扼腕叹息，我们在呼吁规范家政市场的同时，也不能因噎废食。要知道，家政从业人员是个很大的群体，坏的当然不少，优秀的也有一些，但是如其他职业一样，居于中间“打一份工挣一分钱”的人是最多的。你之所以从新闻、传言中听说各种毒保姆事件，那是因为只有这样的才会被大家关注。大部分做得波澜不惊的阿姨，是不会出现在新闻事件中的。

而且偷偷告诉你，极品雇主其实不比坏阿姨少呢，只是阿姨在网络上的话语权小，你没机会听到这些事迹而已。所以，凡事客观看待，你会平和很多，跟阿姨相处起来也会容易得多。

2. "A nanny's salary is so high, and after paying her, I wouldn't have much left. I'd rather be a full-time mom."

That's not the right way to calculate it. Being a stay-at-home mom is certainly great, but if that's your sole reason, I don't think it's sufficient. A career means so much more than just a salary. I'm not going to talk about empty talk like "social status" or "a sense of identity." Let's just talk about career development. While salaries in the domestic service industry are rising year after year, the ceiling for career advancement for a domestic worker is much lower than yours.

Although you might initially feel like your work wasted when more than half of your salary goes into the nanny's pocket, you also need to consider: Is your career still viable? Will you be able to get a promotion and a raise? Will the experience you've gained during your prime years of your career be of greater value in the future? Your child's early years are just a phase. If you leave the workplace for a few years because of the current salary gap, will you ever be able to return? Will you have to start all over again after returning, which would be a waste of time?

A clear assessment at this level will help you adjust your mindset when hiring and avoid being petty.

3. "Bad nannies are everywhere. They abuse, kidnap, and deceive children. Don't trust them."

The Hangzhou nanny arson case is undoubtedly heartbreaking. While we call for regulation of the domestic service market, we shouldn't throw the baby out with the bathwater. Domestic workers are a large group. While there are certainly many bad ones, there are also some excellent ones. However, as with any profession, the majority are those in the middle, "working for a living, earning a penny." You hear about various toxic nanny cases in the news and rumors because only these kinds of cases attract attention. Most nannies who behave calmly don't appear in the news.

And let me tell you, there are actually just as many bad employers as bad nannies. It's just that nannies have less influence online, so you don't have the opportunity to hear about these stories. Therefore, if you keep an objective view of everything, you'll be more calm and easier to get along with.

4、“家里来个外人，我会感到很别扭。”

既然已经评估过家庭情况，决定找阿姨，那么请尽量消除这种想法。看过一篇文章，把阿姨定义为“契约家人”，我觉得还是很准确的。以这样的身份看待阿姨，把她当成一个“既可以用契约标准来管理且可以用情感连结的准家人”看待，有助于你们相处。

由老人和阿姨一起带孩子不是不行，但最好不要把关系定义为“监工”，这样的气氛下，既不利于阿姨尽快地把孩子当做家人看待，遇上挑剔、固执、传统的老人，还容易对阿姨抱有敌意，不利于双方之间的关系。把她们看成是互相帮忙的协作关系，更有利于家庭的和谐。而且，如果阿姨得力，也不见得必须要老人“从旁协助”，一个人把孩子带得很好的阿姨大有人在。

总的来说，找阿姨是一个家庭的大事，值得多花心思去琢磨。很多人找阿姨的时标准非常宽松，甚至不见面就可以随便让中介找一个来上门，等用起来了各种不合适再走马灯似的换，或者轻考察，随意就交付全家的信任，甚至引狼入室，酿成悲剧。我认为大体的原则应该是“严进宽处”，对，不是“出”，是相处的“处”。在找阿姨的期间多做一些筛选，多花一些精力在考察上，宁严毋滥，而找到合适的人之后，尽量宽以待人，友好相处。

4. "I'd feel awkward having a stranger in my house."

Now that you've assessed your family situation and decided to hire an nanny, try to dispel this thought. I read an article that defined an nanny as a "contract family member," which I think is quite accurate. Viewing the nanny in this way, as a quasi-family member who can be managed by contractual standards and connected emotionally, will help you get along.

5. "I'm worried about the nanny taking care of the child alone. I need an elderly person to look after the child."

It's not impossible for both the elderly and the nanny to share childcare, but it's best not to frame the relationship as one of "supervision." This kind of atmosphere prevents the nanny from quickly treating the child as a family member. It can also easily lead to hostility towards the nanny if the elderly are picky, stubborn, or traditional, negatively impacting the relationship. Viewing the relationship as a collaborative one, where both parties help each other, is more conducive to family harmony. Furthermore, if the nanny is capable, she doesn't necessarily need the elderly's assistance. There are many nannies who have successfully raised children on their own.

In short, hiring an nanny is a major family decision and deserves careful consideration. Many people have very lax standards when looking for an aide, even letting an agency find one without even meeting them in person. Then, when they find they're no longer suitable, they switch roles like a revolving door. Or, they neglect to investigate and readily place their entire family's trust in the aide, potentially inviting a misfit into the family's home and causing tragedy. I believe the general principle should be "strict in, lenient in." That's right, not "out," but "in." When searching for an aide, be more selective and invest more effort in research, erring on the side of strictness over sloppy choices. Once you've found the right person, be as lenient as possible and maintain a friendly relationship.